Ways My Children Have Changed Me

This is certainly another post that's more for my kids to read later but I wanted to take a moment to share how they have changed my life.

A long, long time ago (at least 12 years ago), in a land far, far away (Wyoming actually), I was the kind of person who never planned to have children. Its not that I hated children but, I didn't have much interest in having any of my own. When Leslie and I were married, we both agreed that waiting a while before having children was a good idea; I still needed to finish college and she'd just finished and was starting work as a teacher. I didn't grow up terribly well adjusted and had a significantly low sense of self worth. A big part of that came from home and I've seen how easy it is to mess up a child. I always questioned whether any child was just better off without me as a parent.

Leslie had a lot of work to do turning around a piece of damaged goods such as myself but, somehow she managed to get me on board with having kids. When Leslie was pregnant with Haylie, I was a little worried that I wouldn't instantly have a bond with her or that I wouldn't be the father she needed or deserved.

It didn't take long after Haylie was born until she had completely changed my life. It was so incredibly easy to love her and to love having her around. Not only was she a rather easy baby to care for but it was so easy to see how much she loved and trusted us. There were many times when I could absolutely see that she'd come from heaven to live with us and those were the times when I really started to understand the responsibility I had to teach her, protect her and to make sure she knows that she is loved.

I don't believe there was ever a time I didn't love Haylie or that I didn't show her that I loved her but, she definitely prepared the way for Zander to enter our lives. Thanks to Haylie and the wonderful child she was a birth and continues to grow into, I never doubted that I'd love Zander completely.

As a second child, when Zander was born there was definitely a different dynamic in our lives than when Haylie was born. Leslie was so worried that Haylie would feel neglected or left out with the addition of another child but I was confident that she'd adjust and that we be able to love them both without issue. There's no way I considered myself a super parent but, Haylie had been so easy to bring into our lives and to care for, she taught me that we didn't need to worry about being able to care for Zander or about her ability to welcome and love her baby brother.

While they have a lot in common, its also very clear that Haylie and Zander are completely different people and have been since before they were born. I believe, with absolutely certainty, that each child grew as a person in heaven before making their way to mortality. As I've gained in understanding of that, the sense of responsibility that I feel to care for them and to love them has continued to grow.

Haylie has been such a loving sister and, while she's had a few moments of sibling jealousy, she's definitely done very well. Haylie and Zander love playing together and she has taught him so many things, its just amazing to see. Before Zander was born, Haylie and I had a lot of fun rough housing and playing games together and adding Zander to the mix has just made the games even more fun. They happily take turns when we play "crazy games" (Haylie and I have named a lot of the rough housing we do and its a bit like the olympic games at times) and they love playing together (or chasing each other) when Leslie and I are doing something else.

Watching (and helping) both of my children grow has become my greatest joy. Haylie learns things so fast and Zander has so much enthusiasm, its hard not to smile at everything they do (its even funny sometimes when its near midnight and one of them is still awake but either snuggling or chatting with us). As I write this blog posting, I'm in a hotel room in Boca Raton, FL on a work trip and am anxious to see Leslie and the kids tomorrow afternoon. I've been out of town for a week and I'm sure Leslie could use a break because, no matter how cute they are and how much we love them, a four year old and a two year old can still wear you down fast!

These days, there's a news article every week or so about some child who was abandoned, beaten or killed by a parent or step-parent and every single time I hear about something like that, it absolutely breaks my heart. I've literally cried while reading or watching the news and thinking about what those poor children have gone through. What kind of person could possibly treat a child in those ways? I am so very grateful to have Haylie and Zander in my life and am equally grateful that they've taught me to be a more compassionate and loving person. I no longer have any doubts about being a parent and I often wish I could do something to make sure every child had a safe home with parents who love them more than anything else.

Haylie and Zander - when you're old enough to read this, know that I've loved you since each of you was born and that I'll always love you both. Make sure you come give me a hug, too!